i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
