Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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