Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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