Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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