Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
