drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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