My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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