Moan for me like Helen Keller
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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