i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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