I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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