my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
