her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
