Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Randomize
