Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
