I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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