I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
