this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
