At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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