I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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