Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My pussy is not your playground.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
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