So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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