you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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