when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize