please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
