I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
