I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
