Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
