Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
