i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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