WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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