I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Bring me that man meat
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize