Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Who died my cat blue again?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
