My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I am naked and annoyed.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
