My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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