We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
