1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
