Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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