Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
