Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
