And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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