If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
