I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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