Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
