you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Of course I have a pirate flag
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
