i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
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