It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
