oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
its liver damage thursday
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
