he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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