I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
