There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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