My friends, they love my intelligence
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
