I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
