How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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