worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just found puke in my bra..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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