Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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