Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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