i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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