I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
50% drunk capacity currently
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
