If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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