What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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