mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
