i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
