so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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