dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
