I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
