remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You were trust falling into bushes
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
