3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
